What did I know?

What did I know of such grief, such loss before now? 
What did I know of shock, fear, and denial?
How could I know the pain of losing a child?

How could I know that suicide can happen in any family? Even mine? 

What did I know of the Whys and the What Ifs?

What could I know about sorrow so deep it settles into your marrow?

How could I know about a weariness, an exhaustion that weighs you down like an anchor?

How could I know that a broken heart is something you can physically feel?

What could I know of a soul that cries out for the true to be untrue?

What could I know of such grief, such loss before now?

How could I know grief so deep that to wake up each morning was to face the loss all over again?

How could I know this journey is solitary, personal, and so very lonely?

What could I know of friends who walk away because they can’t face your grief?

What could I know of going to sleep praying and waking up with the same prayer on your lips as if it went throughout the night?

How could I know that grief shows up in the line at the grocery store, driving in your car, and even at the most joyful of life’s moments?

How could I know that watching my loved ones grieve would break me into pieces?

What could I know of the fear and worry it could happen again?

What could I know of anxiety and depression that comes with grief?

How could I know that this grief, this loss, would make me long for heaven more and more? 

How could I ever have imagined a pain so deep as losing my child?

I could not!