The truth is I’m not fine.
When asked, I always say the perfunctory “I’m fine.”
What would you do/say if I told you the truth?
I am totally un-fine.
I have been un-fine since April 1, 2014
I will most likely always be in some state of un-fine-ness. (Sometimes it’s okay to make up words – now is one of those times.)
I cry every day. Many times more than once a day.
I cry myself to sleep – (if I find sleep at all) – most every night.
When I wake up, I sigh! First thing. I sigh!
It’s like, here I go again… Another day of un-fine.
Don’t hear hopelessness in there. There is hope. There is joy in my day, in my life. I am thankful for too many blessings to count.
But, I am not fine.
I miss my son. My child. A part of me. I want to talk to him. Laugh with him. Hug him. I want to hear one of his goofy sayings. I want to hear him say “touché!” I want to hear him brag about his girls!
I miss my family the way it was before he left us. I want a family picture for Christmas. I want to see my children together.
I want to un-do the thing that has made me un-fine.
I’m not fine!
I’m okay – whatever that means. But, I am not fine.
~ Just wanted to clear that up ~
Do you ever feel Un-Fine? Do you always tell people that you are fine?
I am often un-fine, as well. I miss my son, too. Our circumstances are so different though. I feel yours is more noble, more just. My heart aches for you. But I see Stuart, smiling, like his photos, sitting at the right hand of God. I know he aches as well, unable to speak to you, hug you, comfort you, or enable you to hear his words, but I know he is there; that he speaks to you. I know he misses you, as much as you miss him, maybe more. I am praying Faith, that you will find some fine. Stuart lives in you. He is a part of you. <3
Faith, you express your feelings beautifully. I’m so sorry that you are un-fine in a way that none of us ever wants to be un-fine. But I’m glad that in the midst of the un-fine, you still find hope, joy, and blessings. I hope that these words you’ve written will be such a blessing to others who are also un-fine.
I am often un-fine these days as well and don’t know when “fine” will ever be a truth-full (see, I make up words, too) answer. I cry just about every day and still make it to work, to and from the errands that take up my time, and to bed at night where rest is elusive and praying for more courage is regularly on the agenda. I did not lose a child to death. I am in the process of losing what I thought was a lifelong commitment and a family I thought was forever. Though my path is turning out far different than I thought, God is with me. He has not forsaken me or my children, and He is faithful to bestow courage when He knows I need it and carry me when I am too tired to be more courageous. He is enough!
Praying for you, dear Faith, as you continue to cling to the Father’s hand.