The Quilt I Never Wanted

Remember this post about going through Stuart’s clothes? Okay… take a minute and read it. I’ll wait!

Ready?

When I walked down to that basement to get those boxes (okay, so I sent Bart to get them), anyway- there was a plan.

The plan was to choose clothing to be used for a quilt. I wanted a quilt to wrap myself up in…to get a Stuart hug by having his favorite clothes snuggly and close.

Well, Stuart was something of a clotheshorse as well as a keeper of all things sentimental. The number of clothes was overwhelming. I quickly realized that I had enough items to make many quilts! This, of course, was perfect since there are many of us who would like to have one.

Even with that, I had plenty of clothing to donate to those who are in need!

I have a precious friend who just happens to be a quilter. Handy, right?

I believe I completely overwhelmed her with the number and sheer size of the clothing BINS I dropped at her feet. Bless her! She just accepted it and got to work!

I had a few requests for my quilt. I had chosen specific articles of clothing for mine, because, ya know – mom. I found his baby blanket, the outfit he wore for his 1st Birthday (first child). I found a few other items that would only mean something to Bart and myself (i do, on occasion, share the quilt with him). 😛

Stuart had T-shirt’s from his teen days (told you he kept all the “important “ things). These were the shirts he constantly wore while shooting hoops in our driveway – for years! Makes me proud he was hoarding a little.

There are several other pieces that I can’t even type here — Holding them close to my heart.

I had been planning this quilt since a few weeks after he went to heaven. I had anticipated going through his clothing for this purpose. That’s part of the reason it took me so long. I wanted the quilt. I longed for it, to wrap it around my heartbroken self. I felt it would be a little bit of him close by.

When my sweet friend told me it was ready, I was excited about getting it. However, when the moment came — I froze. Much to her tender heart’s dismay. I loved the quilt. I love that she made it with loving hands, crying and praying for me as she sewed.

Yet, I froze.

For a solid month, it sat in the bag in my room. Every time I walked past the bag, I. Kicked. It.

I did!

I kicked it and said “stupid quilt!” Every. Single. Time. For a month! (I’m sorry, Denise).

Imagine my surprise at my own reaction. I would never have dreamed it.

It makes sense though. I didn’t really want a quilt to hug me… I want Stuart to hug me. I don’t want his shirts and clothes to be on a quilt…I want him to be here wearing them out.

I want my son, not his things.

Well, I finally gave in and took the quilt out, washed and dried it two times and then wrapped my very cold self (it was snowing outside – in Georgia- in early December) up as tight as I could and soaked in the blessing that having such a treasure really is to me.

The Quilt I Never Wanted, but Am Blessed To Have.

I won’t post a pic of the whole quilt. It may seem strange to you (and that’s okay), but it is deeply personal. It’s heartbreaking and soul-wrenching, and it’s the balm of Gilead – all at once.

It’s just what I wanted, yet never would have wished for.

We had quilts made for his girls (will be given to them when they are grown), and his siblings, Courtney, Parker, and Alexandra (still having more made for the two younger siblings and a few other special people).

We were able to give the older three siblings their quilts for Christmas. They had a vague idea that I was having one made for me, but no idea they would get one). They were surprised and pleased… although they, like us, had to come to grips with why we even have the quilts.

Again, it’s a gift you really would prefer never to have.

His girls saw my quilt when they visited just before Christmas. They loved it and recognized several articles of clothing. They look forward to having theirs in the future.

Sometimes, I imagine Stuart would be in shock that I had his favorite clothes cut into pieces. He was a little particular about his things. I know, of course, he would be happy that we are finding ways to keep him close.

I want to add here… some people don’t have the blessing of having any/many items that belonged to those they’ve lost. It is a true blessing for all of us who love Stuart so much that we do indeed have access to his belongings. I am grateful for that.

1 Peter 5:10 speaks encouragement to my heart. It reads “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt- you learn by living: eleven keys to living life

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
—The House at Pooh Corner by A.A. Milne