It’s been quiet here lately. I find there are times when it’s best to be quiet. Some words shouldn’t be said. Some thoughts are better to remain just that, thoughts. Of course, it’s best if you have someone to share all the feels with – a loved one, a counselor, pastor, or friend. That’s best. It’s not always best to spill it all on social media.
Therefore, crickets!!
Grief stings. It burns down to the core. It attacks you from behind on a day when you least expect it. It grabs you by the throat before you even open your eyes in the morning. It is strong enough to hold you hostage for days, weeks, even years. It always, always punches you in the gut when you should be celebrating the good things.
Bittersweet.
Every good thing is bittersweet. The good is so very sweet, and the loss is so very bitter – not just for myself, but for the ones I love. It hurts to see them suffer.
I miss my son. We all miss him – every minute of every day.
This journey is very difficult to navigate. Most of the time, I want to run away from it. I want to push through this horrible nightmare and not have to experience this level of pain. Alas, that is not my path. I don’t want to bear witness to the heartache of those I treasure. I wouldn’t wish this one on anyone. Keeping an eye out for The Light is the only way I can make it one more step on this journey, the only way to find my way out of the shadows.
“It is therefore not true that we become less through loss—unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness, we can still find the light. In death, we can also find life. It depends on the choices we make.”
― Jerry Sittser, “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss.“
That’s where grace comes in. Grace from friends and loved ones, and of course, from my Jesus. Grace is there. I just have to reach out for it. I just need to accept it. I long to always experience that grace when it’s right in front of me.
When I was little, there were always these tv shows that had quicksand in the storyline (go figure). I often feel like I’m in the quicksand hoping someone comes through with a rope or huge limb to pull me out. It is then when I close my eyes and face myself heavenward. That’s when I feel His right hand holding mine, pulling me from this miry pit. He’s there all along, holding me, carrying me through it all. I need only release myself to His care. It’s when I stop struggling against myself that I find rest and comfort.
This world is full of trouble and pain. It’s also full of joy and beauty. We have to look for the happy moments and take them into our very marrow, so when the pain comes, we can draw from that marrow to be a balm for the pain.
It takes perspective to tackle the days. We have to take the bitter along with the sweet. Our hearts are so broken, our pain very real… But God! He is Emmanuel – God with us.
We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.
2 Chronicles 2:12
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