ON MY KNEES

When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted friendship – when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us.

Oswald Chambers

Suffering, brokenness, pain – it all brings you to your knees. It has brought me to mine. It has kept me on mine. My heart hurts so much that I have but one place to go – my Father. He is the only One who understands. He knows my pain. He hears my cry. He sees me!

The world moves on — it always will. My son died, yet the sun still shines, and people still go about their business. My son is gone from this world, yet the stars twinkle and the moon glows at night. At times, I don’t understand how it’s possible. It brings me to my knees.

I am no longer the person I once was. I don’t even want to be that person. I would hope I will become better. I know Stuart would only want me to grow in my faith, despite the ache that is ever present. When his friends, colleagues, peers, etc. tell us “Stuart Stories,” they always express how much he shared his faith and how big he loved and was loved.

I am so thankful for those testimonies of how he lived his life. We saw it, but it means so much when we hear it from others. It sinks into my soul and flows throughout my marrow. It fills me. It reassures me. It reminds me of my Hope. It reminds me to cling to that Hope. It brings me to my knees.

Grief is a force to be reckoned with – it can capture you in an innocent, nondescript moment, and wreak havoc with your entire being. It brings me to my knees.

Time and again I have been on my knees, speechless – it’s then that the Holy Spirit prays on my behalf with the words that won’t come, with the groanings of my brokenness.

He holds me when I’m breaking and reassures me of His presence. I am battered and destroyed, but He is my anchor in this storm.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain…
Hebrews 6:19

I’ve learned a lot since April 1, 2014! So many things I wish I never knew. Some I’m very thankful for as well. It’s brought me to my knees. I’m grateful for that. I’ve realized how much I need my relationship with Jesus more than anything else in this world. Without it, I wouldn’t be here now. I would never have been able to take another breath.

He holds me by the right hand. He is teaching me every day to depend on Him for everything.

For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

I want to be crystal clear… I struggle. I love Jesus, and He loves me. That doesn’t mean I’m always handling things the right way, or at all for that matter. I can get grumpy and tired of dealing with the ridiculous, petty dealings of daily life. Much of the time, I would really prefer to be alone. I struggle daily to get out into the world and live a life without my son in it. I do it — But. It. Is. A. Daily. Struggle.

I wish I could grab all of my children and grandchildren and hide them away with me. I want to protect them, but of course, I can’t. It brings me to my knees.

He has taught me how important it is to pray for others – intercessory prayer. This world is a hurting world. There are so many who are in need of the Savior. There are so many who are in need of a hug, a kind word, true friendship. There are so many who need someone – even one person, to just sit with them in their brokenness.

There are so many who need you and me to be on our knees.

How can I pray for you?

Will you go to your knees and pray for someone you know who is hurting?