While I am not a dad, I have had a front-row seat to several dads who are grieving. Our culture tells men to “be strong!” That is interpreted as don’t cry, don’t show fear, don’t show weakness. What a burden to strap to a dad who has lost his child. Just as his wife (not in all cases) is the mother, he is the father. He was there. He held that baby and looked into those eyes and melted into a puddle. Right then and there, he vowed to be a good dad. Why? Because this is his child and he loves him/her.
Dads who are grieving are more likely to compartmentalize and store it away. They hold their feelings close and have a hard time expressing their grief.
They are being strong.
They are being the caretaker.
They are dying inside.
When a child dies (no matter the age of that child), a dad can get swept to the corner as the attention is placed on the mom. That’s understandable given childbirth and all, but he hurts too. Maybe he feels like he is at fault because he couldn’t save his child. Perhaps he is broken-hearted that he can’t help his wife. Whatever he is feeling, it needs to be recognized.
When I write or talk about grief, it is coming from my own grief as a mom. I don’t want to speak for my husband.
I see him.
I know how much he hurts.
And it breaks my heart.
Some of you may know I facilitate a suicide bereavement group. It is predominantly women who come to this group. Men say, “That’s not for me.” Why? I believe it is because they have been taught to “keep it together.” So, women come alone. I applaud the men who show up. We need you; we need to hear from you. The men add such a wealth of wisdom to our conversations and unapologetically share their grief. I have learned so much from hearing their hearts.
This Father’s Day, hold up those dads who have lost a child. Be their support, let them feel their feelings, and perhaps share them with you. All you need to do is show up and listen.
Leave a Reply