Creases

The baby blanket we swaddled Stuart in to bring him home from the hospital.

Over three years – 1,154 days – and the creases remained.

It took me 1,154 days to bring myself to go through his clothes. Over. Three. Years. It was a hellacious task, and it broke me to pieces. All along, I’ve known there would be quilts made from the fabric of his life. I knew it … and still, I couldn’t bring myself to go through them. I knew it would mean donating some – Stuart was both sentimental and a clothes horse.

I cried for two days straight.

The Auburn t-shirt he wore while playing basketball in our front yard for years—it was there. The shirts he got on our family ski trip to Breckinridge—they were there. One million and ten fraternity t-shirts from his four years at UGA—all there. It was like a home movie, bringing both memories and even his scent. I could still smell him on some of the clothes – after 1,154 days.

I soaked it in!

His suits were all there. The pants on a few still held the creases from sitting. 1,154 days and the creases remained. It made him seem so close, and I could almost think he wore them yesterday. He had his cards from his law firm tucked into every suit jacket.

Of course, there were the shirts with “SLS” embroidered on them. Treasures to be sure.

My sweet friend is sewing some quilts for me, and those will be worth the hard of that day. The day of holding every piece of his clothing in my hands, holding each one to my face and crying the tears that flow down the cheek of the broken-hearted.

I’m not sure why it took so long, but I knew I would know when I was ready. I chose not to rush it, and I could care less what anyone might think about that. Stuart is my son, and the ache of his loss is as strong as it was that first day. You don’t get over losing a child.

Not ever.

I am excited about the quilts. There will be a story in every piece, of every inch, of every quilt.

The tapestry of Stuart’s days. Work, play, fun, serious, quirky – all intertwined together to snuggle into and to breathe him in.

{As I was writing this, God brought something to my mind. The baby blanket we brought him home in and his first birthday outfit. I went to the cedar chest and found them, along with several other treasures. I was able to get those to my sweet, quilt making friend!!!}

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18