Blurred Vision

Turning the book first this way, then that, I struggled to make out the blurry words on the blurry page. Over a brief period, my once-reliable vision betrayed me.

Instead of perfect, clear, and vivid, everything seemed hazy and almost unrecognizable.

Truthfully, this lack of vision was becoming a theme in my life. The plans, goals, and dreams I once had vanished. Every little thing shifted or shattered as sorrow filled me and cracked me wide open. 

Life has taken a different turn. 

At times, I thought (and still do occasionally) I would not survive. I never (en)visioned such a devastating loss in my life. Sure, I have lost loved ones and fully expected I would. While those losses were painful, nothing compares to the loss of my son to suicide. 

You don’t envision such a thing.

Losing my bearings, I felt like a tiny ship in a raging sea with the waves crashing over me again and again with no time to catch my breath. It continues to knock me down, although I have learned to stand upright. 

That is huge.

I didn’t do it alone. God keeps his promises, and He never let me go. On the raging sea – He was there. On the cold hard floor with no strength to get up—He was there. Every morning when I was angry that I woke up—He was there. 

He never left. Many times, I thought God left me to navigate this grief alone. But, He is my compass and He kept me headed to my true north—Him. I only needed to open my tear-filled eyes, lift my open hands to His love and grace, and listen for that still, small voice.

Surgery will correct my vision and I will see like I always have. 

Sometimes the vision we once had for our life changes. We set new goals and dream new dreams. In Titus 3:5 and Psalm 51:12, it tells us He will renew and restore us. We can believe that!

My life looks very different from what I expected, but God is good, and He is walking this road with me. 

What more could I ask for?