I love to read, typically I read several books at once. Since my son died (that is hard to type, think, and see in black and white), I have had difficulty with staying focused enough to read more than a line at the time. My mind just can’t process the words. I get confused about who the characters are and just close the book. The same has been true for writing. The words won’t come and when they do, it’s a cluster of ramblings.
Music has also been hard to let back in – and I love music.
So much was lost that day.
I am not the same and I never will be.
I have so many things to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve (aren’t we all?). There is so much hope because I know I will see Stuart again. What a day that will be.
Still… Today.
My heart gets so overcome by emotions, the tears streaming, and the shoulders heaving – it is in the bones, in every fiber and cell of my body. The ache of loss. We can never be prepared to outlive our children. We can never be ready to stand at their grave, hold their belongings in our hands, yet never feel their touch again.
Stuart and I shared a love for reading and learning. I want to ask him for a book recommendation (although he read things that I couldn’t understand). I can pick up one of the gazillion books in his collection, but I would love to feel the touch of his fingers as he slips it into my hand. I want to hear his thoughts on why it’s a good/poor choice of reading. I want to hear him.
No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.- C.S. Lewis
Grief can be so scary – it pounces on you when you least expect it. If any semblance of control is what one likes, there will be surprises. It can come in the whiff of a scent, the beauty of a song, the taste of a favorite food, or a memory that just breaks through while you’re in Target (or driving by the old k-mart, which he loathed)!
I am thankful to see him in my other children and in my grandchildren. So many of his quirks and mannerisms can be glimpsed in their own. Loss can give perspective to the little things and as a mom, you have these little nuances of your children tucked in close to your heart. I have realized how many slivers of love I have hidden away, blessed to be able to pull them out in my mind and hold them close – not only of Stuart but of each of my children.
What a great God we serve! He knows all the little details we will need to remember and He designed our minds and hearts to retrieve them when our hearts are hurting. I laugh out loud when, in my minds eye, I see little bits of my children when they were small and carefree. I see Stuart reading the newspaper at age five. Courtney choosing a kitten from the humane society. Parker charming everyone with his smile. Alexandra climbing a tree to the very tip-top. Kobi giggling and showing us her foster home the first time we met her, and Isaiah dancing around on a broken leg (in a cast) as a toddler.
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
Time and loss change your perspective. You begin to focus on the main thing, not the peripheral; the little things have greater value. Time itself has become blurry and untrustworthy – there is never enough and you never know when it will run out.
Use your time wisely. Tell your people you love them. Forgive them for their mistakes and tell them so. Tell everyone about Jesus. That’s THE MAIN THING!
Friend, you are never far from my mind. I pray you feel His love wherever you are and whatever you are doing each and every day as I pray for you. His love is beautiful through you, sweet friend.