I’m on a broken road. Sometimes, I fall in the cracks and stay there for awhile. Other times, I find the strength to maneuver around the biggest ones. I’ve learned that either is fine. I can settle into my grief when I need to – as long as I find my way back out again. I will admit there are times when I don’t want to. It’s easier to sink in and allow the pain to cover me like a cloak. That’s grief. It’s simply overwhelming to body, mind, and spirit.
I’m thankful to The God, my God, who understands my pain. He listens to my groanings, collects the tears that fall, and hides me under His mighty wings. He even sings over me!
Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27
You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.Are they not in your book?
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17
Does this mean that I always feel peaceful? Clearly, from my first statements – I don’t. I ache from questions that I’ll never have the answers to. I get angry about certain things (read people) I will probably never confront concerning things I DO have answers to.
But, I always come back to resting in my Jesus. In His arms, I can find the peace and rest I long for.
This journey, this broken road, is marred by lesser fissures I feel deeply, but I can’t sink into. I trace these painful threads of loss and drop my tears into them, saturate them with my heartache. That’s okay too. It’s all okay. I understand that I don’t/can’t follow anyone else grief pattern. Every person grieves differently. Every situation is different.
My journey is mine alone. And it is a lonely road. It’s a solitary journey, although others are grieving the loss of the same person. We are all hurting, yet we each handle it in our own way.
Sadly, I know more about deep grief than I had ever planned to know. I’ve certainly lost other loved ones to death and grieved deeply; I’ve grieved other types of losses too… This loss of my son, though… Well, it’s altogether different.
If you find yourself on a similar journey (child loss – no matter the age of your child) and I pray you don’t/won’t, please let me know how I can pray for you. Feel free to email me and allow me to hold your hand on this broken road.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4